Child Psychology, The Real Deal

On World Autism Day, lets pause to think about “mother” of the child. There is always one person who takes responsibility of the child with autism and in India almost always that person is child’s mother.

As soon as diagnosis of Autism is made she gives up most of her personal freedom, leisure time and career to give “best possible chance” to her child. I see them in clinic waiting rooms looking after kids, trying to implement communication, behavior and activity exercises as taught by the therapist.

There is no respite. Many times, they simply close their eyes and catch a nap when child enters therapy room with the therapist. I doubt if they ever manage to pay off the sleep debt they accumulate on an ongoing basis.

In consulting sessions, I have never heard a mother grumbling about the effort she has to put in. Their anger, frustration and sadness if often about the loneliness and thanklessness of the work.

Most of them, even after years of reading, have not absolved themselves of the guilt of having produced a child with difficulties. “Why this? Why me?” are the questions that they have to struggle to keep away.

Socialization almost disappears as it is better to stay away from insensitive relatives and impatient friends. Most try to find friends in other moms they meet at therapy centers.

As a psychiatrist, this isolation and selective socialization with other parents in similar difficulty is what I dread the most. Almost all discussions in these groups are about “autism”. Various therapies are discussed, a lot of them totally unscientific, some harmful.

Friends and relatives keep adding suggestions to the ever growing list of interventions and mother runs after all the leads “just in case”!

Effect of all this on mothers’ mental health is well documented. More than half develop chronic depression. Never get any help for fear of further stigmatization.

And I wont even get started on what all this does to their marriage….

On this world autism day lets celebrate and bow to the spirit of motherhood that carries this herculean burden with a smile.

#India

 

I spoke at women’s day celebration at Kalmadi Highschool on 13 th March 2018
Mothers of school students were my audience.
I emphasized following points –

1. Women need to offer genuine friendship to other women. A person to laugh with is a huge bulwark against loneliness and other difficult emotions.
2. While women are constantly pushed to “conquer” more areas of life traditionally occupied by men, they need to consciously give up traditional women areas like child rearing, cooking, “looking after” household, caring for sick relatives, etc. Otherwise it will be a double whammy of responsibility for them.
3. Guilt and shame are tools of enslaving women. Women must desist using them on other women.
4. Adulation of women achievers for their “culinary skills”, “devotion to family” is a stab in the back. A woman who is holding a day job doesn’t NEED to go after being all rounder.
5. All traditional women deities with multiple hands hold only one category of instruments in all hands. Durga doesn’t sport a flower, a fiddle or a book! No deity sports babies and cooking utensils. – If our goddesses are happy with one job, why should we try to be “all in one” . It is a trap. Walk out of it without an iota of shame.
6. Make sure that men are equal partners in hardwork.

 

Getting along with people who not our relatives is an important skill required beyond age of two. This ability to make and maintain friendships becomes increasingly important through life and once adolescence is reached, it starts defining personality as well.

 

Urbanisation, stress on education, sense of acute competition and smaller families make friendships vital for psychological survival. Being a good friend is not easy. Enjoying someone’s company and making them feel the same about you for months and years is a tough job. Fortunately, we are born with some good abilities to make friends.

 

Friends are almost always of same age, same developmental stage with similar abilities, interests and difficulties. This is THE major reason why parents cannot be friends. Parents who desperately try to be their child’s friend actually end up being pathetic.

Though parents play a very important role in initiation and disruption of friendships in early life of a child. Till adolescence arrives, friendships are temporary for most children and they are easily disrupted by change of residence, school, tuition classes, parents’ disagreements, etc. Though children get distressed due to these friendship breaks, they get over it with relative ease. After all such mental flexibility is very hallmark of healthy childhood.

 

How can parents help children to develop a healthy spirit of friendship? Here are some thoughts applicable if you have a young child less than 10 years old. Rules change a lot after that age. –

1. Children are naturally attracted to each other and given opportunity, they will make friends in school, playground and family/social functions. Many times they will be friendly with kids of people you don’t like. Children can become “best friends ever” within minutes and spill their most intimate secrets to their friends. For many parents, this is a cause of alarm and they move in quick and swift to “help” the child. This is usually unnecessary. Playing together, sharing interests and sharing information/secrets is how friendships build up.

2. Though friends are of similar developmental stage, their qualities and development can differ greatly. Children instinctively choose a person who is okay for them, if they make a mistake they can correct it as well. Parents “helping” kids to “choose” a friend to further their own development are actually distrusting child’s innate wisdom and getting into a selfish friendship mode. This causes great distress to kids. This is very apparent when mothers accompanying a pre-schooler to playground are seen actively directing their play and relationships. Your friends’ children may not be necessarily your child’s natural friends and there is no need to take it personally.

3. When at home, conversations about friends can quickly become coaching sessions. This is a great danger. Children talk to parents about a lot of things and everything is not necessarily noteworthy. Most times kids are just sharing, looking for a patient and sympathetic ear. Looking at their talk as a cry for help and offering relationship advice is an easy trap that is best avoided.

4. Telling children to get even, dominate, split, manipulate friends is another version of the same and always highlights parents’ personality / relationship  difficulties more than child’s real needs.

5. Using comparison with friends as “motivating tool” for your own kids is an excellent friendship killer. Children start detesting kids with whom they are often compared. They even break up friendships and try to choose counterpoint relationships. This is very sad and wasteful.

6. When a child is happy, energetic, smiling, sweating and excited after meeting a bunch of friends, it is an indication that kids are enjoying each other’s’ company and parental intervention is best avoided here.

7. Friendships will come packaged with their own share of fights, disagreements and heartbreaks. When children are in conflict with each other, their emotions are all over the place, their words and stories show the extreme intensity of their emotions and need to rally parental support. Getting into the helping mode and fighting child’s battle directly or indirectly is again a sure way of damaging friendships and undermining your child’s defence mechanisms. Providing a patient ear, offering a warm drink/food, some time off from friends is all that is necessary. Unless physical violence is involved, getting into the thick of battle is a bad idea for adults because then child is clearly marked as trouble by friends. It is important to keep cool when other kids’ parents are losing their bearings. These temporary fights between kids are known to create lifelong animosities between parents.

 

I have tried to outline some common issues and need of change in parent’s attitude to help a child develop healthy relationships. As I have noted above, when children become older i.e. pre-teens, friendships take on a very different developmental role. I will write a separate blog about that soon.

“What do you like to do in your free time?” is a question I ask all children and their parents. Answers are varied and sometimes sad. Younger children talk about drawing, colouring, playing with toys; some talk about singing, playing a musical instrument, reading and even looking out of the window. As they grow up, answers become monotonous and screens occupy their free time.

In my play room it is increasingly rare to find an older child (more than 8 yr old) play freely. They look for electronic stuff and get disappointed when they can’t find any. This is not just Indian scene; it is happening all over the world. When a child is not in charge of how time is spent and there is a task to be finished in that span of time, it is classified as work or study. Children often work longer hours than adults! Extending to 14 hours even!

Ability to “play” is the essence of creativity, happiness and mental health. When you use objects to project your inner themes on them and create a world that is somewhat similar to real world but with a lot of freedom and creativity it is “play”. This can be seen as play with toys, dolls, any object, musical instrument, pencil, colours, any material and even words. As Picasso famously said, “everyone is born an artist; challenge is to keep that spirit alive”

We make a concentrated attempt to kill this artist from the earliest days of baby’s life. When we see a baby playing quietly in crib, may it be making sounds ( playing with vocal chords) moving hands to catch light and shadows ( playing with visuals and muscles) or just looking around, we pounce on the baby and start “playing” with him/her. So we destroy a baby’s play to facilitate our entertainment. Most babies can play alone for a few minutes till they realize a need to be with mother. Letting them develop this ability to be alone and entertain themselves creatively is THE most crucial milestone that is often destroyed by adults (especially grandparents) in the family. In my opinion this is sacrilege.

Disruption of this early play-ability is seen later as total dependence on other humans and electronic gadgets and need for connectivity. Inability to spend time alone is a hallmark of our times and its seeds lie in destruction of un-structured play of children.

A child playing happily alone in his play corner with things that do not require power is a healthy child and holds our future in her tiny creative hands. Let’s respect the freedom of those hands.